My Own Worst Enemy

Can we please go back to start?

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 12:50:13 GMT

Funny enough I can start this post with "7 am".

If you don't get why I said that look up Incubus 11 am lyrics. ;-]

7 am, I have been laying in my bed thinking about the past and what could be going on every present moment.

I finally get up out of my bed, and walk out to the kitchen, where I gaze upon the wide open field and the beautiful mountains in the distance.

I slip away into memories of when things were not so complicated. When I was "wonderful", and in that new relationship bliss.

Why did things have to change? For the worse? Why couldn't we have just stayed in that time.

Remembering the first kiss, and how pleasant each one was after that.

How he always use to make sure I was ok, wanting to make me food, and how I enjoyed watching him play video games. Watching Lost on his computer, and during every 30 second advertisement kiss each other.

Or go to blockbuster and rent movies so we could go home, cuddle up, and watch them together.

Back when he didn't mind holding my hand, and the way we use to look at each other in the car, specially when finding out all the things we both enjoyed doing.

The way he use to talk about me to his friends, and wanting to include me in his plans.

The way he grabbed my hand and looked at me when we first heard what would become our song.

Why did it have to change? It was wonderful. Why would you want to stop something that feels so good?

I will never understand where those times and feelings went.

I do know as much as it may come back to haunt me at times, I need to keep moving on.

I need to let it all go. But without understanding what happened, it is hard for me to let it all go.

I guess I should realize I won't ever know, and I won't ever get any of that back.

I hate caring, I hate feeling, why did I ever let my guard down?

As I say goodbye to that time in my life, I know what hard decisions I have to make if I ever want to fully get over this.

And once this has passed, I will shine again!

What the fuck?

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 19:19:29 GMT

So, has somebody got into my account? Cause those legs are not mine...

Here is to growth!

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 23:40:21 GMT

The tables have definitely turned. I give many thanks to my recent break up for changing me the way that it has.

I'm not sure where to begin...

The more time that goes by, the more I see how right Justin was about a few things.

Relationships really do get in the way of ambitions and goals. Anytime there are emotions involved, things change.

Now I haven't started seeing anyone to discover this. I have however seen how guys who have been interested in me have acted when I don't have or make time for them. They get so offended, and possessive. I have aspirations, and I am working towards making more of myself. I am focused on work and education, growth, and spending time with my family and close friends. I don't want anyone riding along as I go for my dreams, and I definitely don't want someone who is going to give me a 'flat tire' on my way there.

Another thing I have realized is how accepting I am of how life is. As much as I think life is bullshit, having to work shitty jobs, being unhappy, just to TRY and do what you love... Also how Religion and money are probably the two biggest problems corrupting the world.

Anyways, it is ok if you don't like me, it is ok if maybe you did like me then you found someone else you have more in common with. It is ok that maybe we tried dating but things didn't work out. It's ok. I know I cannot change how people will feel. I know that they can't help it if they don't feel towards me the way I might like them to. It's just the way it is, and I am ok with that. It may suck, but you move on.

I was Justin last night. I had to tell my best friend, who came out about falling in love with me, that yes he may be a nice person, and we get along great, but those feelings aren't there and I am pretty sure they never will be.

Even when that friend started acting on emotions and not logic, when he tried to stop me from a job opportunity because it meant he couldn't see me, then stormed out slamming doors like some emotional 15 year old girl, I still felt the same. I never got upset, or angry. I never raised my voice, and kept the same gental tone. I understood that he was upset because he wants more, but will never get more. It may be no excuse to act the way he did, but I still understand.

Or, for instance, when I started to like someone, who liked me back, and we would spend most of our time talking to one and other. We had some differences, but that didn't stop me from seeing where things might go. He was more of the seclusive geek, and I am more of the outdoors adventurer. Eventually someone came along who was more like him, and he confronted me about it. Sure it was a bummer, but I never freaked out on him because emotionally it hurt. I was never selfish about it, or jealous. I appreciated the fact he came to talk to me, and if anything I was excited and happy for him.

It is very strange looking out from these eyes now, and seeing how much my perspective has changed.

I am so sorry to those I have over reacted with in the past. After what happened last night, I see just who I was, and many apologies.

One seat available next to Sarah on this rollercoaster 'Life'

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 09:11:35 GMT

There is more to life than just making something of yourself.

I have just about everything a single person could ask for. I have amazing friends, the most incredible family, I am in the process of starting my own business (which will lead me to making most of my dreams come true). But, what is all of that if I don't have someone to share it with?

Sure I am happy with myself. I like who I am. I'd like to think of myself as a good person, sure a bit flawed, who isn't? I have had my share of shit happen to me, which does affect how I may think or react. But I always reflect back and try to change for the better.

Everyone has their flaws, and I once loved someone even more because of his flaws. I have learned that every relationship will find its hard times, and they do take work. But as a whole, having someone know me in and out, and I them. Being 100% vulnerable, and enjoying the little things during the small amount of time we have here together, is worth those ridiculous little fights or disagreements.

The sweet kisses, the warm feeling of when you two hold each other, the smile you two can bring to each others faces without even saying one word to one another.

Life is way too short, why spend it alone? Why push people away, specially ones you know who truly care for you?

If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, would you honestly look at everything you have done, and be ok with dying alone?

I am who I am, and I want someone to share this journey with. The ups and the downs.

"Bottom line, it's couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else but the big difference is, they don't let it take them down."

Hello, my name is Sarah.

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 09:07:50 GMT

Originally written July 26, 2008

It is 3 am, and I am finally settling in after driving cross country twice within two weeks. For the first time in my life, I feel like I actually KNOW what I am going to do with myself... and I have no doubts about it.

This trip really helped me find myself, and also gave me the courage to take the steps needed to pursue these plans of mine. I have always known what makes me happy, but was scared to make any commitments. There is something that screams "you're going to be tied to one place for x amount of time!" when I think of school and a career path. I didn't want to start anything here, in NH, when I was unsure if this is the place I wanted to be at. What if other, better opportunities arose? Would I be a quitter and drop what I was doing to take the new path? Or give up that new opportunity to continue doing the same old thing I have been?

If I was to choose the latter, I would be left with that "what if?" feeling. A feeling I refuse to feel in my lifetime. I have started many things, and it disappoints me I have yet to finish any of them. On the other hand, by dipping my hand into everything, I have been able to experience a variety of life styles. My mind has been awakened to the different worlds within this world.

Before this trip, I was trying to find every excuse to get out of New Hampshire. I felt as though I would be happier anywhere but here. I also thought I would have better success elsewhere. Little did I know, of just how much I have already made for myself here.

I have a nice, very affordable apartment. I can have my cats here, and I couldn't ask for a cooler/cleaner roommate. I have a job that allows me to make my own schedule, while having a pretty nice pay rate as well. I have my pseudo family, and friends. All my acting networks are in the New England area (so far), and I have paying acting gigs in MA. New Hampshire also has the lowest crime rate, and no general sales tax, or personal state income tax.

In my travels, I have also found how laid back New Hampshire is. I believe, out of most of the states in the U.S. we really do live by our motto "Live free or die".

Anyways, before I start trailing off subject here... Why would I want to leave this foundation I have built? Answer is, I don't! This state is beautiful, easy going, and I have everything I need right here.

Heart

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 02:29:36 GMT

I really must have a super guard up. I have realized that I always "disappear" for awhile, from everyone. Friends will wonder where I have gone, I contact no one. Or, if I meet new people, and they want to hang out more and get to know me, I find excuses to not hang out, then stop contacting them. I am always pushing people away. Of course the one person I let in (my ex Justin) ends up hurting me more than I could have ever imagined. The last time I have cried like this, was over my moms death. The kind of cry where you just drop to your knees, your weak and shaking, and your stomach aches, and all you can do is just expel this pain through tears and silent screams.

I swear, when this pain comes around, and my heart starts to slowly beat out of my chest, that in those beats, it sends out a call. A call for love, a call for help. Now if only the right person would answer these calls, I wouldn't be here writing about the heart I gave, and how it was handed back to me in pieces.

I don't want to push people away anymore. I don't do it on purpose. I get scared. I find it easier to be with myself, then to let people in, and chance getting hurt. I've been used and abused. It shows.

Anytime I get any sort of feelings towards someone, friendship, relationship, I just get rid of them because to me it probably isn't worth feeling them. Having feelings has only got me hurt. I feel that I have been the only genuine, honest person, in most of my relationships.

This isn't coincidence, there's no such thing.

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 02:22:26 GMT

As this past year has gone by, every now and again, thoughts I once had, wrote about, joked about, have been brought to my attention, but by a complete stranger. This stranger and I have met once, but never got to discuss ideas, thoughts, beliefs. We barely discussed much outside of "I really enjoy your writing, can I help you with anything?".

It has really started to bother me, seeing almost exact sentences I have said, be sung in a song, or written in a book. It definitely shows no one is unique. We may think we are, but whether or not you hear or see your ideas printed and marked as someone else's, guaranteed they have been thought.

Here are just a few examples, of the similarities this stranger and I share.

I had an ex (if I even really want to consider him an ex). We didn't have much of a relationship, but he sure lead me to believe he was very into me for who I was. Eventually, in time, he got what he was in for all along, and took off. He deleted me from everything, stopped answering and returning my calls. Acted as though I had never existed. Of course I felt very used, and one day while driving home, all I could think about is "well good job Rich, you came, you saw, you conquered". I was comparing myself to some attraction people go to and get bumper stickers saying "My car climbed Mt Washington"... After those thoughts had passed, I was thinking of how, even though he "conquered", I would be fine, and he did not ruin any part of me.

Almost a year later, and not fully into Incubus the way I am now, I am listening to their "Crow left of the Murder" cd. As with every new cd I purchase, I play it through 1-10. Discovering every "new" (they are new to me) songs. I am jamming along, enjoying Incubus, as I hear "You came, You saw, You conquered". I nearly shat myself and paused the CD. I had to call my best friend at the time immediately! Then I thought to myself "Shit! Fuck! Why didn't I ever share my Rich feelings! Why did I keep them to myself!? This is too ironic, they won't believe me". They referring to friends of course. But, still, I had to call Pat.

I returned to the song after expelling my shock. I then hear "yea I'm down, but not out, and far from done". How could you be so dead on, on my exact thoughts!?

Ok, so then, one time as I was writing in my journal at the cooks house. An actual journal, not online. In the middle of writing a random thought of "time" came into my head. How we always complain it goes too slow, but there also is never enough of it. I chuckled at how contradicting that is.

So again, this time I am driving with Pat, and an old roommate James. I now have the Incubus 'Morning View' cd playing. Another cd I have yet to hear ALL the songs from. So, the song "Zee Deveel" is playing. When, to my surprise, I hear "Nice watch man, you got the time? Theres never enough and it always goes to slow". Instead of almost "excrementing" myself (yay I made that a verb), I turned the radio off completely as my eyes started to water. I then look in my review mirror to ask James, who owned every Incubus cd, what Brandon just said. James repeated every lyric, word for word, that I thought I heard in the first place. I then went on to both him and Pat, that I could not believe it! I said almost the exact thing a month or so ago! Before knowing this song even existed!

Then, while I was in England, I wrote an entry that says "Am I ok to sink? Have I already been submerged in the waters? Am I rising slowly to the surface? Or am I just floating there... face down?". From that thought, I spaced out from my entry and began to think about how many of us float face down.

Come to find, while listening to another Incubus cd, the lyrics " Floating in this cosmic jacuzzi, we are like frogs oblivious to the water starting to boil, no one flinches, we all float face down". Wasn't as similar as other thoughts, but still pretty damn close.

Then, I remember, maybe 3 years ago now, my friends and I made some sarcastic joke about liking "aural". We then went on from there with different jokes using the word "aurally". I remember one of them posted the joke on counter strike or something.

Which leads me to today. I was reading a blog that Brandon recently wrote to his fans. And what do ya know... In the first paragraph I read " Firstly, thank you so very much for your continued interest in my work both aurally and visually. Yes, I said, "Aurally." Laugh now and forever hold your piece. Onward..."

I'm starting to think we share a certain brain wave. I share this brain wave with only a few friends. It isn't something common. And again, to find it coming out of a strangers mouth/fingers makes me smile. It definitely makes me want to converse with this person! Even more so than before!

Fuck that.

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 18:38:18 GMT

I am feeling that I will be done with relationships for awhile. They all are bullshit. You really can’t trust another human being. It’s reasons like what I am going through for why I didn’t get into a relationship for so long in the first place, but then I finally thought I had found someone worth dating. Boy was I wrong. I can’t even begin to describe how fucked up this kid is. Telling me I need to grow up, when he thinks its ok to play "head games" with other girls, WHILE he has a gf. And of course that great line "you’re good for the now". Thats just pretty much saying, hey, your convenient, and at my disposal, so why not use you for the good time I can have with you, then I’m bouncin’.

Not to mention how I can text him one little thing while at work, and he has no time to text me back, but he has time to text back and forth the dumb drunken hoe who has always wanted to get in his pants.

How can you see what you do to me? Watch me cry and hurt, and still be ok with yourself? You manipulate, and try to put the questions on me, to make me think that I am the one in the wrong.

When you have a girlfriend, you are with her because she is the one you want to be with, and you devote yourself to her, you respect her, and stay loyal to her. You don’t play mind games with her, flirt with other girls via internet or phone, and you don’t say "I love you" to your ex girlfriend behind her back. Specially when this girlfriend was willing to support your bad decisions, and was willing to stay by your side if you went to prison. A girlfriend who is nice and would do anything for you... A girlfriend who puts up with your mood swings and your dissorder. A girlfriend you don’t deserve.

How people can do this, I will never know. Why the girl finds it hard to let go of the scum bag? Another thing I cannot seem to figure out. I guess thats why its a good thing he is moving cross country.

I know once you read this, you will say what an asshole I make you out to be. I don’t make you out to be an asshole, you are an asshole. And as you like to say to me, accept it and GET OVER IT.

Enter clever subject line here

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 05:17:58 GMT

Where to start?

Hm.... all I can think of is "tug of war". I'm no longer a fan of this game.

So before I start beating around the bush, I'll just dive in to my feelings.

The lyrics "Is everything a baited hook? And are there locks on all doors?" is in my head, on repeat.

Its driving me crazy.... well the thoughts attached to these lyrics are driving me crazy. All I can think of, is how bad someone wanted me when I was being an indecisive bitch, letting this person down, making up excuses to avoid them because I was unsure and scared. Then once I made up mind, the tables turned.

It doesn't help hearing from many people how I am a "rarity" and how I deserve a great guy to treat me wonderful, because I am such a "wonderful" girl. Or hearing everyone congratulate me on my new "relationship" and everyone is all for it, and who I am with. Or hearing how great he is, and how I should "keep him". You don't think I see all the great things in him? Then the ones who say how lucky my significant other is. Yet, I feel like they are the only ones that notice that. Why are you resisting? If you are as happy as you say you are when with me, what are you scared of?

I remember how dissapointed you were when I came back from England and these plans you wanted to make with me, I blew off. I remember how hard you use to try to see me. I remember when it wouldn't matter how late we'd get together or how early the next day one of us had something to do. When we both were happy, just doing nothing together.

Then suddenly, comparisons started being made, and the wall went back up. If its going to continue this way, I don't think I can do it. I am for once, absolutely certain of what I want. If somehow me being happy with you and wanting to spend time with you is scarey, then... I'm sorry. I'm sorry it isn't the huge deal you're trying to make it out to be in your head.

I'm not trying to rush, I am not trying to be with you every waking second of the day. That'd drive anyone crazy. I like doing my own thing. I just enjoy the time we use to share together. How we use to talk on the phone every night while you were touring. How your cell phone going off would make you smile with just the thought of it being a text from me. When I use to be on your mind, and taking a few seconds out of your time to say anything to me wasn't a task.

I remember when things were simple.

Well, you came, you saw, you conquered. Would you like a bumper sticker with that?

Time to grow up

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 05:17:16 GMT

Just posting my myspace blogs on here to I can delete them from there...

The other day my boyfriend brought up how young I am. How I am a "little girl". I am 2 years older than his little sister, and he is 5 years older than I am.

This really got me thinking. Here he is 25, with a good paying job, and he is going to go far with the line of work he is in. He is very mature and seems to know a lot about everything. Very well put together, and will be wanting to start a family before 30. Thats a few years away, he needs someone who is well put together for that.

So with that in mind, I sure as hell don't want to be "that" girl who is just his immature little girl friend. Who he eventually breaks up with because she never moved forward from the place she started out in when they first started dating. It also makes me want to pick up the pace for myself. I can't assume I will be with him that far into the future, but for him or whoever I might end up with, and for myself, I need to be more.

So, I am making a lot of changes this week. I have already got a new job planned out, some schooling that I will be starting in Feb, and mentally I have already started growing. I think realizing, and acting can show for that. Instead of being the procrastinator I once was. I had to get my priorities straight.

Now the only thing that will be tested is my commitment. I tend to start a lot of things, but never finish them. So, come February, we shall see if I can make it through the gruesome month and a half of classes! =0 hahahaha.

So today, I opened my Roth IRA account, so I will have my retirement clump of money growing for years, I already made a cd, and I will be discussing my finances this Thursday to make a good plan for myself. I contacted the hospital about classes they offer, and also called the person I was referred to about an LNA class. I also have several options for jobs, we will see which one hires me.

I think that sounds like a good start.

The calm after the storm.

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 21:06:28 GMT

I just had a nervous break down. Here I am 20, with way too much on my plate.

Lets start with seeing BJ. BJ is my flight instructor. She has become a friend of mine, and acts almost as that mother figure I never had. She is a successful older woman, who has had 3 careers. I went to see her today, because I wanted someone to talk to about what I am doing, and have insight on what I should be doing. I want to be the best I can be. So, we had this amazing conversation about where I should start, and start building my foundation. One word of advice was to commit and concentrate on one thing at a time. Which I have a hard time doing. I can't ever concentrate. I really think I need some sort of medication for this.

So, I get done with BJ (she also offered me a room at her condo if I ever need a place to live.)

I go to my car, call up Justin. I want to talk with him about some of the new decisions I might be making and get his opinion on them. We are working on trying to incorporate each other in each others plans and futures, so I found it appropriate to do so. So, it sorta turns into this thing where he is telling me what he thinks, which is different then what BJ has to say. So, I get confused. I mean, BJ has more experience when it comes to the career thing and being successful. Justin is well on his way, I know he will succeed with what he wants to do. He is intelligent, and a hard worker. Already has made it pretty far, and is going to take what he wants to the top.

So, being near that time of the month, I am already emotional enough as it is, but now I have 10 million thoughts running through my head of what I should do with myself. What should I commit to? What would be the wisest choice? I do plan on moving, but I don't know when. I know it will be soon, in a matter of months, but to where? Is Justin and I going to work out? Should I keep him in my plans? Is he keeping me in his plans? Should I already just go ahead, and do my thing and remain in NH? Or should I start sending resumes and cards out to LA? Is CO totally out of the plans now? Well if Justin doesn't go to CO, am I still going to go to LA in June, or July? Or am I going to stay with him till we both can move somewhere? So, I think you get the point. I had WAY too many thoughts running through my head.

So, I started to get that bad feeling (since I was stressing out) that since too much was going on, Justin might just break up with me and I had really no good reason as to why. So, I sent him a text (being the unstable mental case I was at the time) saying "If your going to break up with me, do it now". I had a few events prior to the text that played in my head that lead me to believe that was happening. I wont get into those.

Then I called Pat, crying, venting. I couldn't stop rambling. Might I add how hard it is to shift, steer, ramble on the cell phone, cry (making things harder to see), all at the same time. So I tell Pat about my crazy text message. He is trying to talk to me, and make sure I calm down. As I am on the phone Justin calls on the other line. I am thinking "Oh boy, here comes the bad news". I switch over. To my surprise it wasn't bad news at all. I won't get into the conversation, but thank God he is still with me. I've been such a mess lately.

So, I come into the house (my apartment, which I have been having problems here with my roommates and whatnot) and the thing I have been telling James and Jeremy to do, which James told me last night he would do, HASN'T been done. So I don't even care at this point. I am saying whatever it is on my mind in a very loud sarcastic way. I don't care how bitchy it was, I was done with it. So I storm through, asking Ryan to please come upstairs to hold me. I just needed a hug.

So, Ryan comes up right away, and I just lay everything out on him.

How I wish I had some sort of direction when I was younger, so I wouldn't be so lost now. I wish I already had a foundation, I wish I didn't have to start all over, from scratch. I should already have something partially built. I can't concentrate on things, I want what is best for me. But its hard for me to get it done. So many kids have it easy. They CAN concentrate on what they want to do because they still have their parents paying for everything. They get to do what they want, and study what they want, without worrying about the situations the real world brings. Of course, not EVERYONE gets that, and some kids can concentrate and support themselves at the same time. I wish I was that strong. No matter how hard I try to concentrate, I never can. Like I said earlier, I really need to take something for it.

Then of course all the stress everything else is putting on me, changes my mood, and it shows when I am with Justin. I feel bad that he has had to put up with me the past few days. Being so down, and moody. I don't think I have been that bad to him, just haven't been able to be the happy go lucky me. I'm very thankful he is stickin' around. I am so used to assholes and being treated like shit, that I was expecting him to leave me. Maybe someone might actually like me for who I am, and is willing to go through the bad for the good. Someone isn't around just using me for the good times, then skipping out when real life kicks in. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him.

So, after letting it all out, and just hugging Ryan for the few minutes I did, I felt much better. I still don't know what decisions I will be making. I have many things to continue to think about, but at least for now, I am not going crazy.

I just want to move out (even though this is MY place, and I should just kick people out), but I am too nice and try to make a living arrangement everyone can work with. It isn't happening.

I want my own clean space, I want roommates who have jobs, who will clean up after themselves, and take part in keeping our pace clean. I want a roommate who is considerate, and responsible.

Man I could keep going on.

Gotta go take care of my health problems, my homework, my housing issues, my mental state, and my boyfriend. Hopefully things can get settled, I can become healthy and strong (emotionally and physically), and make up my mind and make my future what I want it to be.

Change.

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 01:39:29 GMT

Change.

Something that needs to happen in not just America, but the world. Don't worry about trying to change the world quite yet though. Start with yourself.

As I lay in bed each night, reflecting on my day, I think of everything I believe in and how I want to take more part in it. Then as I change, I don't only better myself, but I also make that small difference in the causes I am participating in. The saying "power in numbers" comes to mind. The more of us who stand together, the more we can do. So, I just added to that number, simply by adding myself. I chose to start being productive, and practice what I preach. And in doing so, that is one more person working towards what she and others believe in.

So, when you think of how you can make an impact, start by changing some of your old habits. Maybe even if it is to start recycling, or to pick up trash you see on the side of the streets. Holding doors open for people, donating the change that sits on the floor of your car. Anything, every little bit helps. Just do what you feel needs to be done, and should be done. Make an example, clear the path for others to follow.

There are so many things I have believed in, but never stood for. Here I am now, standing up for what I believe in.

Care to join?

Here is to "us"

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 01:36:19 GMT

In a few blogs prior, I mentioned a man by the name of Justin. Well, here is a little something to update everyone on him.

It isn't fair to deny someone the same chance I would have given somebody else. So here it goes. I stopped resisting, I'm letting my guard down. What a refreshing feeling, I forgot what it felt like to let someone in. And for once, I am not being let down. I am going to enjoy these feelings, and hope for the best. No more pessimistic Sarah.

I was very indecisive in the beginning. I was on again off again with this person. I am glad I have made up my mind. No more with the usual run away or avoid game. You will never find what your looking for if your hiding from it.

So here is to "us"!

Sick, sad, little world.

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 01:33:01 GMT

Sick sad little world
Current mood: annoyed

Tonight a friend of mine and I were talking about how lucky some people have it. They get everything handed to them. Even when not deserving of help, they receive it. Then, those nice people who are left on their own, with no one, have to remain doing everything for themselevs with no help.

Not that I mind conquering everything on my own. Only makes me a stronger person. But what really gets me is my health situation. I cannot afford health insurance. Yet, Drs wont do their job unless you have the money to put in their pocket. So, here I am going in and out of the hospital. Its my lymphnodes, its cancer, then its not cancer, its mono... Then its not mono, its something else, but they wont bother figuring out what it is, so they just put me on 3 different types of meds to see if it gets rid of it.... Why did you become a Dr? Did you do it for money? Or because you wanted to help people? My guess is, most of you do it for the money. I haven't met one Dr who actually was concerened for my health. They always say I need tests done, cause it could be this list they resite of serious illnesses. But, when finding I don't have insurance, or cash straight up, they half ass the tests.

I forget what its like to be healthy. I am use to being poked and proded. Just please, someone, do all the tests needed to find out what is wrong with me. I have been in and out of the hospital since I was fuckin 5.

As hard as I work, I only make so much. Which is enough to keep where I live, put food on the table, pay for car insurance and gas, and now put myself through an EMT course.

This is the one time, I wished it worked out with this Marine friend of mine who was going to marry me so I could be covered by his health insurance. I needed to go through a surgery, during the time they thought it was cancer. So he was going to help me out. But, then we decided against that idea, and stopped talking due to some differences.

So, I watch people around me, getting knocked up all the time, getting different infections, and having their parents pay for everything. Go in debt even, to give their kid more than what they need. All I am asking for is some help to make sure I don't end up like my mom. I really don't want to die from cancer.

Just a Phase

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 17:13:38 GMT

Its that time again. To vent about the ever going relationship problems. Or lack there of. Why, why, WHY do I have guys falling for me, or trying to get me, that are just not suitable for me? Don't get me wrong, SOME of the guys are great people, and I don't mind being friends with them. I just cannot date someone who does drugs. Or lives a totally different lifestyle then I do. I am drug and alcohol free, and tend to stay that way. I don't need someone in my life who is dependent on those. Plus all the drama that occurs with people who drug and drink. All their friends do it, always party, abuse their body, and look like a fool. That isn't going to get you far in life. I am not looking for a loser. So, that being said, there goes 50% of the guys that like me.

So, I have druggies, alcs, assholes, immature individuals who like me. Or, I have a few close friends who end up falling for me. Which I have to tell them, time and time again that the feeling isn't mutual. So why is it, that people with a worse lifestyle than myself end up falling for me? But people with the same lifestyle or intellect seem to pay no mind. Every guy I end up interested in NEVER feels the same way back. Some remain friends, others cut me out of their lives completely. What is it that you are looking for? What is it that I don't have? Am I too much for you? Is an independent woman, with her own mind, and isn't scared to say whats on it too scary for you? The fact that I don't NEED you, is that bothersome?

I just want someone who I can share things with. Share the roads I travel, the thoughts I have. Share the fears, the memories, the future. It would be nice to have someone other than myself to take care of. It would definitely be even nicer having someone else take care of me, other than myself. To feel the warmth of another presence. Cuddle, kiss, laugh, bond, intertwine. Then again, with my Buddhist philosophy on life, and the gift of being able to see through sickness, it is hard for me to find someone who can excite all of me. If they can't see the same things I do, or share similar sights. Or even have their own positive sight, that I can blink and adjust my vision to see. I refuse to put my sunglasses back on. So for those of you who see in black and white, and do not wish to see color, it will never work between us.

So there is my problem. The ones who like me, are too mundane. The ones I like, don't seem to see anything that interest them. The kind of person I am looking for; rare. Hard to find. So the odds are against me.

"My only consolation, is that this could not last forever."

"Yea, its just a phase. It will be over soon."

R.S.V.P

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 23:04:50 GMT

I wear my heart out on my sleeve. It is my invitation. Take it.

If your looking for an open book, look no further. I am yours.

Take the time to read through my chapters. Indulge. Lose yourself in something tangible. Grasp onto the most honest, pure, and unconditional gift I can offer.

Enter subject name here

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 03:34:03 GMT

How is it, that I can feel so refreshed and vital after simply reading the thoughts and happenings of a particular person?
Is it the similarity in views? Reading along while nodding in agreement, or laughing at the sick sarcastic jokes made, with the sad truth behind them? Or it could be the witty remarks, the metaphors, and wide range of vocabulary. Whatever it may be, I'm not complaining.

Now if I could only meet people who send out the same brainwaves as I do. What a relief that would be. Sadly, with the banal herd that surrounds me everyday and everywhere, I have yet to find someone who can truly stimulate my mind. Its like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Better yet, its like Wheres Waldo? He is different from the rest, and you would think with his conspicuous attire contrasted against that of those around him, that he would be easier to find. NOPE, even then he is still close to impossible to find without taking time.

Time; You can never have enough of it, but your always wishing it went by faster... Now that is contradicting.

Quick thought

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 17:27:44 GMT

I have been meaning to write, I have a lot I want to get out. But, when the time is appropriate I will. So, I decided to leave a quick note.

For quite some time, I have felt used by a few certain people, of the male gender. This summer, when it was the worst, I started writing something in my head. I never wrote it down, because, well, it was in my head. Then each time it would happen again, after the summer, all I could think of was "You came, you saw, you conquered". I wanted to write more after that, venting out what I feel. Never got around to it. Then, as I purchases the Crow Left of the Murder CD, the song "Beware! Criminal" played. Where I heard that line.... Along with others that seem to capture EXACTLY what I had been feeling. Which postpones me writing my original thoughts along with that phrase.

Three, Two, One Lights, Camera, Transaction

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 02:01:26 GMT

Next time you feel like taking it upon yourself to lie to try and make me feel better, do yourself and I a favor, DON'T! I do not want you to feel pity towards me in any situation where you feel the need to falsify your feelings on my behalf. I am pretty damned sure I can handle any amount of honesty you feel comfortable with spewing from that mouth of yours... With much reassurance, I have been through worse in my life, than the next few minuscule sentences you are about to avow.

Your mouth as a closed curtain, concealing the true thoughts that develop within. Open it up, amuse me.

Higher than the heights of what we often think we know.

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 20:54:58 GMT

So here is the news as of late.

I have been very happy. I have finally done the things that have been needed, and for myself. Every step I take, is in the right direction. And more fulfilling then the last. I am at peace with myself, and my surroundings. I believe, I may have found happiness. Not an object or person that makes me temporarily happy, then in its absence I go back to feeling as though something is missing. No, nothing like that at all. I am at this place, where all feels right. Even when there is another obstacle I must make it through, I can't help but to remain enlightened.

Which brings me to my next point. When asked recently, how I am doing (by friends), I give the same answer. I simply say how I am "great", "happy", "super", "fabulous","jubilant". Whichever word I feel is appropriate for that time. Then I get questioned "why?". Why? Do I need a reason to be happy now? Is feeling happy something that doesn't come for free? I must trade something for happiness in return? No. I didn't think so. So the assumptions of why Sarah must be happy can be laid to rest. I am just, simply, Happy!

I will write more later. When I feel the time is right, and my inner feelings want to flow through my fingertips conveying into text onto the computer screen.

" Blessed she who clearly sees the world is for the trees."

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 21:28:07 GMT

A friend of mine wrote me today, inspiring me to write this entry.

Here is what was said "You are right...it is funny how things work out. when we met i had no clue what a truly amazing person you are. but i am glad i got to find out."

Never go by a first impression. They are almost always wrong.

Everything takes time. Whether or not people like to admit it, they are never fully 100% themselves when first meeting someone. Or even the first few times hanging out with a new friend. But, the more you spend time with that person, the more you two share, and the more comfortable you start to feel. Then once you can open yourself up, and be confident in who you are, the people around you can start seeing who you are as well. I get nervous, and shy when meeting someone new. I usually want the person I am meeting to like me, which makes me second guess everything I say. Or I will start stuttering, because I can't stop the flow of my thoughts to be able to form a coherent sentence. Or, I will just not know what to bring up to talk about. What will be too offensive? Or how can I find something we might have in common. I am very glad that I have started to get over a lot of these things. I've opened myself up, and I am completely happy with who I am, and the decisions I have made.

I cut a lot of people out of my life that were just dragging me down, I stopped drinking a few months ago, I stopped eating fast food and sweets, I stopped being such a pessimist. I have embraced the things that make me happy, and I finally except who I am. I am almost always alone, but never lonely. I am perfectly fine just being at home, reading a good book. I have a few friends I have kept close to me. My true ones.

Never do anything for anyone else either. Do it only for yourself. The positive outcomes that follow is prodigious. I no longer meet people hoping they will like me. I go out there being myself, only to attract more people like me.

I guess what I am trying to say is, don't over look what is right in front of you. You never know what kind of gem you might have if you don't bother to take the time to polish it to see its true beauty. Give people a chance. Give them time to shine.

After a lovely dream, I awake to reality

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 16:07:26 GMT

It seems I can only find what I am looking for in my dreams. They tell me it won't be this way forever. I fear that it will be. Out of all things I can control, this is not one of them. I have everything. I have a great job, I am working on making my career come alive, I have my own place, a great car, great friends, the most amazing family anyone could ever ask for. I have traveled, and have different travels in the making... I have done so much, and have built such a great foundation for myself, but there is still something missing. I am pretty fine without it, until I see it, or I just feel like being flirty and cute to someone who isn't just a friend. When I want someone to look at me and think something dorky I do is adorable, and tease me, and hold my hand. Someone who I know will not leave my side and be there when I am not strong enough to deal with something on my own. Someone who would never do me wrong, or cheat me... or on me. Someone genuine.

I haven't lost hope.... yet.

Circles

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 21:39:04 GMT

The monster was awoken today. Why? Why is there only one person to bring out the beast? Why can't they ever put it away? Or Make right what they started off wrong?

It grows, its breathes, and the deeper the breathes, the larger the beast.

There is nothing anyone can do to trap it, only he who brought him out can hide it away.

But he won't.

He watches what he has created, in amusement. Then turns his back on it.

This creature is now to its full size. The anger which has made this creature grow, now has nowhere to escape.

It screams. Letting out every last breath.... Deflating...

What once was a creature, is now a human.

A human, weak, hurt, and confused.

As the man who created her, and drained her, stands over her. Feeling mighty in his doing. Getting pleasure out of being able to be the only man to put such emotion and pain into another.

He walks away, leaving her laying there. For her to pick up the pieces he help create and shatter.... and for her to stand on her own again.

But only if she knew, that once upright and strong, he would be back....

...and It will come around again.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there. With open arms and open eyes.

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 20:58:16 GMT

It seems I have managed to find the smallest amount of motivation to get a lot done these past few days. The things that have been happening lately have just been adding flames to my fire. Which I needed. I was pretty down, actually... I was pretty fuckin' depressed. haha. Anyways, so I went to hang out with Dan (my ex) and actually had a good time, he helped lift my spirits above just "Happy". Which is where I was able to gather all the negative and use that to keep my flame going. So, I have started a lot of things back up that I dropped. I feel very accomplished and its only just the beginning =]

Once I have reached the top (of my goals), and people start to realize what they have over looked or threw away.... (I'll save that for another time.)

I have a long way to go, but will keep going 'till I make it.

"These eyes are not your eyes
And these eyes are not the color that
Your arid eyes might be
No, I was not around
When those eyes of yours decided so
I refuse to kneel before the sights you choose to see.

If this is right, I'd rather be wrong
If this is sight, I'd rather be blind"

Happy happy joy joy

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 09:39:27 GMT

I have noticed I mostly write in this when I am not happy and have stuff going on. So I guess, the gaps between entries is my time of happiness! haha. I am happy now too =] I don't know why I don't ever write about it.. or what is going on that is making me happy. Maybe I will get around to that someday. Till then, I am coming home tomorrow!!! Sad and Happy about it. I am really going to miss staying at Kevins, and waking up to him playing great music every day. Then walking to restaurants, or stores with him... Having fun times on the bus... Poking my head down the hole from the attic to say "Bang", and having to sneak around the house so his roommate doesnt know I am here. I am also going to miss some of the great sights here. But there are many more to see, which means another trip back here! I hate saying "goodbyes", even if it is a "see you later" cause it will be a long later. But I have so much back home waiting for me, which makes me happy. Coming out here has helped me realize how many people do care and are there for me back home. I also appreciate some of the smaller things I was taking for granted. Homeward bound I am. England, I bid you adieu!